I've been thinking about this lately and trying to justify to myself that everything is ok. Being a first time mom, my perspective in life changed tremendously. Life is suddenly all about anak. Working is never the same anymore too.
Since having Khadeeja, I make sure that I clock out from work by 4.30pm. Well, the sooner the better actually hehe. But things at work changed as well and it's no longer as 'easy' as last time. With the new policy, we are required to stay at work for a minimum of 39 hours per week. That equals to about 8 hours a day. People who stays near the office area is lucky as the can come back in the late evening and clock out. So they have a more flexible working hours. But unlike me, once I leave the office I shall be gone until the next day. So I try to stick to the same working time every day, clock in at 8.30am and leave by 4.30pm. But there are times when I have to stay till 5pm and above. Now that sucks cuz I don't like to make Khadeeja wait any longer at her nanny's house.
I was talking to my husband the other day that I think I'm not really 'performing' at work. Since it was the semester break a couple of weeks ago I wasn't really busy with classes and all. So often I just chill in my room with kononnya having research and paperwork to finish. But I got so distracted that my time at work is spent on browsing the internet, listing out my groceries and went for a long grocery shopping during lunch break, nap, chit chatting, etc. I felt guilty for not utilizing my working hours efficiently but I was just not in the zone. I tried very hard to keep myself busy with work but it all went down the drain.
It's nearing the end of the year and I'm about to have my appraisal sessions with my bosses soon. I seriously do not know what I'm gonna kelentong them anymore. I had plan last year to do a new research this year as a preparation for my PhD, present my paper at some conferences, and organize some charity projects. Time is always an issue because when the semester starts, then it's just so hard to find a proper time. Well actually even during the semester break the faculty is pretty busy too! I want to contribute more to the faculty and university but often times I just don't know how! Most importantly I feel 'berdosa' as I don't work hard enough equal to what I get paid every month.
My husband told me that it's because I'm in the mommy mode most of the time. My priorities has changed. I feel comfortable in my comfort zone as a government servant, I do not have to bring work home or stay late at work and people around me practically are in the same mode. I feel bad that even after 5 years of servicing I still have not contributed enough to the faculty. It's not like I care so much about being promoted to a better position or anything like that, I just want to feel satisfied that I have work enough to be getting paid with that amount of salary. It's all about amanah. Takde la rasa macam makan gaji buta sangat kan...
I hope that with the new semester I'm able to concentrate more at work. I need to get out of my comfort zone seriously, but sometimes, that comes with having to sacrifice family. Now that shucks.
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