Aug 6 2008

I wish I have the courage to be more opinionated. I'm too scared to say what's on my mind, and most of the time, I just don't have any opinions. Seems like my brain is too empty to even think of anything interesting. I kinda blame the way I was brought up (maybe blaming my parents as well) for not encouraging me to speak up. I remember when I was smaller, if I have anything that I wanted to say I was always told to shut up and go somewhere else. And I was also told that 'jangan melawan cakap orang dewasa' which made me believe that whatever 'orang dewasa' said is the right thing. I end up accepting their say blindly. I never questioned anything because that would be rude or 'melawan cakap'. 

My mom complains a lot that her children never want to 'talk' to her about anything, now that we've grown up. I don't know about my siblings, but the reason for me for not talking would be that she never really listens. I've tried talking to her before (especially about boy-girl relationships). But instead of listening, she always have something to say (in other words, 'berleter'). I guess I got fed up with that and rather keep things to myself. So does my sister and my brother. Sometimes I feel bad for her for not being able to 'reach out' to us but she has to change her approach. We are adults, so there's no need to nag about everything and make us believe what you say is right (thinking that we don't know any better). Mama, I love you so much, but you have to chill...I remember she told me that she's afraid that we might do mistakes and get hurt. But for me, mistakes are good because you learn from it, and getting hurt is part of life.